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knew all the right answers. And, Rebecca here, well she was my isomer—”
«Your what?» asked Tony. He sat slouched out nearly horizontally in his seat.
«Isomermeans like a mirror image,” responded Bonnie.
«Isomerrefers to two chemical compounds,” pronounced Philip, «that have the
identical constituents in the same proportions but differ in properties because of the way
the atoms are arranged.»
«Thanks, Philip,” said Bonnie. «Maybe that was a pretentious word to use. But,
Tony, I want to say that I admire the way you`ve stuck to your resolution to signal every
time you don`t understand something. That meeting a couple of months ago when you
opened up about your shame about your education and your blue–collar work has really
given me permission to talk about some of my stuff. Okay, now back to my school days.
Rebecca was my absolute opposite, in every way—you name it. I would have died to
have a Rebecca as a friend—I would killed to havebeen a Rebecca. That`s what`s going
on in me. The last couple of weeks I`ve been flooded with memories of my nightmare
childhood.»
«That fat little girl went to school a long time ago,” said Julius. «What brings her
back now?»
«Well, that`s the hard part. I don`t want Rebecca to get angry with me...”
«Best to speak to her directly, Bonnie,” Julius interjected.
«Okay,” said Bonnie, and turning to face Rebecca. «I want to say something to
you, but I don`t want you to be angry with me.»
«I`m all ears,” said Rebecca, her attention fully fixed on Bonnie.
«When I see you operate with men here in the group—how you interest them, how
you entice them—I feel totally helpless. All those old bad feelings creep out: chubby,
insignificant, unpopular, outclassed.»
«Nietzsche,” interjected Philip, «once said something to the effect that when we
awake discouraged in the middle of the night, enemies that we had defeated long ago
come back to haunt us.»
Bonnie broke out into a big smile and turned toward Philip. «That`s a gift, Philip, a
very sweet gift. I don`t know why, but the idea of enemies I had once defeated rising
again makes me feel better. Just to have something named makes it more—”
«Wait a minute, Bonnie,” interrupted Rebecca, «I want to get back to my enticing
men here—explain, please.»
Bonnie`s pupils widened; she avoided Rebecca`s gaze. «It`s not about you. There`s
nothing you do that`s off—it`s all me, it`s my response to perfectly normal female
behavior.»
«What behavior? What are you talking about?»
Bonnie took a deep breath and said, «Preening. You preen. That`s the way it seems
to me. I don`t know how many times in the last meeting you had your barrettes out, your
hair down, flouncing your hair, running your fingers through it, but it was more times
than I can ever remember before. It`s got to be related to Philip`s entrance into the
group.»
«What are you talking about?» asked Rebecca.
«To quote the old sage, Saint Julius, a question ain`t a question if you know the
answer,” interrupted Tony.
«Why don`t you let Bonnie speak for herself, Tony?» said Rebecca, her eyes icy.
Tony was unfazed. «It`s obvious. Philip enters the group, and you change—you
change into a male...ah...what`s the right word?...you`re coming on to him. Do I got it
right, Bonnie?»
Bonnie nodded.
Rebecca reached in her purse for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes, carefully
protecting the mascara. «That`s really fucking insulting.»
«This is exactly where I don`t want it to go,” pleaded Bonnie. «This is not about
you, Rebecca—I keep saying that. You`re not doing anything wrong.»
«That doesn`t wash with me—making anen passant nasty accusation about my
behavior and then saying it`s not about me doesn`t make it less nasty.»
«En passant?» asked Tony.
«En passantmeans,” interjected Philip, «in passing—a common term in chess used
when the pawn takes two squares in its opening move and passes an opposing pawn.»
«Philip, you`re a show–off—you know that?» said Tony.
«You threw out a question. I answered it,” said Philip, entirely unaffected by
Tony`s confrontation. «Unlessyour question ain`t a question.»
«Ouch, you got me there.» Tony scanned the rest of the group and said, «I must be
gettin` dumber. I feel more out of it. Am I imagining it, or are there more big words
getting thrown out here? Maybe having Philip here is getting to others, too—not just
Rebecca.»
Julius intervened by using the group therapist`s most common and most effective
tactic—he switched the focus from content to process, that is, away from the words being
spoken to the nature of the relationship of the interacting parties. «Lots going on here
today. Maybe we can step back a minute and try to understand what`s happening. Let me
first put out this question to all of you: what do you see going on in the relationship
between Bonnie and Rebecca?»
«It`s a tough call,” said Stuart, who was always the first to respond to questions
thrown out by Julius. Using his professional/medical voice, he said, «I really cannot tell if
Bonnie has one agenda or two.»
«Meaning?» asked Bonnie.
«Meaning, what`s your agenda? Do you wish to talk about issues with men and
your competition with women? Or, do you wish to take a swipe at Rebecca?»
«I see it from both points of view,” said Gill. «I can see how this dredges up
Bonnie`s old bad memories. And then I can also see why Rebecca is upset—I mean she
may have not known she was fixing her hair—and personally I don`t think that`s such a
big issue.»
«You`re tactful, Gill, «said Stuart. «As usual you try to placate all parties,
especially the ladies. But you know if you get so deep into understanding the female
point of view, you`re never going to speak out in your own voice. That`s what Philip said
to you last week.»
«I resent these sexist comments, Stuart,” said Rebecca. «Frankly, a doctor should
know better. This вЂfemale point of view` talk is ridiculous.»
Bonnie held up her hands and made aT. «I`ve got to call вЂtime out`—I just cannot
go on. This is important stuff, but it`s surreal; I cannot go on with it. How can we go on
with business as usual when Julius has just announced last week he is dying? This is my
fault: I should never have started this topic today about me and Rebecca—it`s too trivial.
Everything`s trivial in comparison.»
Silence. Everyone looked down. Bonnie broke the silence.
«I want to back up. The way I should have started this meeting was to describe a
dream, a nightmare, I had after the last group. I think it involves you, Julius.»
«Go,” urged Julius.
«It was night. I was in a dark train station—”
Julius interrupted, «Try using the present tense, Bonnie.»
«I should know that by now. Okay—it`s night. I`m in a dark train station. I`m
trying to catch a train that`s just beginning to move. I walk faster to get on. I see the
dining car pass by filled with well–dressed people eating and sipping wine. I`m not sure
where to board. Now the train starts to move faster, and the last cars get shabbier and
shabbier, with their windows boarded up. The final car, the caboose, is just a skeleton car,
all falling apart, and I see it pull away from me and I hear the train whistle so loud it
wakes me about fourA.M. My heart was pounding, I was soaked with sweat, and I never
did get back to sleep last night.»
«Do you still see that train?» asked Julius.
«Clear as can be. Moving away down the track. The dream is still scary. Eerie.»
«You know what I think?» said Tony. «I think the train`s the group and that
Julius`s illness will make it fall apart.»
«Right on,” said Stuart, «the train`s the group—it takes you somewhere, and it
feeds you along the way—you know, the folks in the dining car.»
«Yeah, but why couldn`t you get on? Did you run?» asked Rebecca.
«I didn`t run; it was like I knew I couldn`t board.»
«Strange. Like you wanted to board, but at the same time you didn`t want to,” said
Rebecca.
«I sure didn`t try hard to board.»
«Maybe you were too scared to board?» asked Gill.
«Did I tell you all that I was in love?» said Julius.
A hush fell upon the group. Dead silence. Julius looked around, mischievously, at
the puzzled and concerned faces.
«Yes, in love with this group, especially when it works like it`s working today.
Great stuff, the way you`re working on that dream. You guys are something. Let me add
my guess—I`m wondering, Bonnie, if that train isn`t a symbol for me as well. That train
reeked of dread and darkness. And, as Stuart said, it offers nourishment. I try to do that.
But you`re frightened of it—as you must be frightened of me or what`s happening to me.
And that last car, the skeletonlike caboose: isn`t that a symbol, a prevision, of my
deterioration?»
Bonnie stammered, got tissues from the box in the middle of the room, and wiped
her eyes, «I...uh...I...I don`t know how to answer—this whole thing is surreal.... Julius,
you floor me, you knock me out the way you talk about dying so matter–of–factly.»
«We`re all dying, Bonnie. I just know my parameters better than the rest of you,”
said Julius.
«That`s what I mean, Julius. I always love your flippancy, but now, in this
situation, it kind of avoids things. I remember once—it was during that time that Tony
was doing weekend jail time and we weren`t talking about it—that you said if something
big in the group is being ignored, then nothing else of importance gets talked about
either.»
«Two things,” said Rebecca. «First, Bonnie, wewere talking about something
important just now—several important things—and, second, my God, what do you want
Julius to do? Heis talking about this.»
«In fact,” said Tony, «he even got pissed that we heard it from Philip rather than
from him personally.»
«I agree,” said Stuart. «So Bonnie, whatdo you want from him? He`s handling it.
He said he`s got his own support network to help him deal with it.»
Julius broke it off—it had gone far enough. «You know, I appreciate all this
support from you guys, but when it`s this strong then I begin to worry. Maybe I`m getting
loose, but do you know when Lou Gehrig decided to retire? It happened one game when
everyone on the team gushed compliments about how he fielded a routine ground ball.
Maybe you`re considering me too fragile to speak for myself.»
«So, where do we go with this?» said Stuart.
«First, let me say to you, Bonnie, that you`re showing a lot of guts by jumping in
and naming the thing that`s too hot to touch. What`s more, you`re absolutely right: I have
been encouraging some...no,a lot of denial here.
«I`m going to make a short speech and lay it all out for you. I`ve had some
sleepless nights lately and a lot of time to think about everything, including what to do
about my patients and this group. I haven`t had any practice at this. No one practices
endings. They only happen once. No textbooks are written about this situation—so
everything is improvisation.
«I`m faced with deciding about what to do with the time I have left. Look, what are
my options? Terminate all my patients and end this group? I`m not ready to do that—I`ve
got at least a year of good health, and my work means too much to me. And I get a lot out
of it for myself. Stopping all my work would be to treat myself as a pariah. I`ve seen too
many patients with fatal illness who`ve told me that the isolation accompanying their
illness is the worst part of all.
«And the isolation is a dual isolation: first, the very sick person isolates himself
because he doesn`t want to drag others down into his despair—and I can tell you for a
fact that`s one of my concerns here—and, second, others avoid him either because they
don`t know how to talk to him or because they want nothing to do with death.
«So, withdrawing from you is not a good option for me and, what`s more, I don`t
believe for you either. I`ve seen a lot of terminally ill people who underwent change,
grew wiser, riper, and had a great deal to teach others. I think that`s already starting to
happen to me, and I`m convinced that I`ll have a lot to offer you in the next few months.
But if we`re to keep working together, you may have to face a lot of anxiety. You`ll not
only have to face my approaching death, but you may be confronted with your own. End
of speech. Maybe you all have to sleep on this and see what you want to do.»
«I don`t need to sleep on it,” said Bonnie. «I love this group and you and everyone
in it, and I want to work here as long as possible.»
After members echoed Bonnie`s affirmation, Julius said, «I appreciate the vote of
confidence. But group therapy 101 underscores the daunting power of group pressure. It`s
hard to buck group consensus in public. It would take superhuman resolve for any of you
to say today, вЂSorry, Julius, but this is too much for me, and I`d rather find a healthy
therapist, someone hale enough to take care of me.`
«So, no commitments today. Let`s just stay open and keep evaluating our own
work and see how everyone feels in a few weeks. One big danger which Bonnie
expressed today is that your problems start to feel too inconsequential to discuss. So we
have to figure out the best way for me to keep you working on your own issues.»
«I think you`re doing it, «said Stuart, «by just keeping us informed.»
«Okay. Thanks, that helps. Now let`s go back to you guys.»
A long silence.
«So, maybe I haven`t liberated you. Let me try something. Can you, Stuart, or
others, lay out our agenda, what`s here on the table—what are the open issues today?»
Stuart was the informal group historian: he was blessed with such a retentive
memory that Julius could always call on him for an account of past or present group
events. He tried not to overuse Stuart, who was in the group to learn how to engage
others, not to be a recorder of events. Wonderful with his child patients, Stuart was
socially at a loss whenever he left the perimeter of his pediatrician role. Even in the group
he often carried some of the accoutrements of the trade stuffed in his shirt pocket: tongue
depressors, penlight, lollipops, medication samples. A stable force in the group for the
past year, Stuart had made enormous progress in, as he had put it, «project
humanization.» Yet interpersonal sensitivity was still so undeveloped that his recounting
of group events was entirely without guile.
Leaning back in his chair, he closed his eyes before responding. «Well, let`s see—
we began with Bonnie and her desire to talk about her childhood.» Bonnie had been
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