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«I was simply setting the record straight. Following the dictates of reason.
Nothing less, nothing more.»
The group lapsed into that state of mind that always ensued from an
interaction with Philip. He was so rational, so imperially above the strife of
everyday discourse. Everyone looked down, bewildered, disoriented. Tony shook
his head.
«I comprehend every point you made,” said Julius, «except the last one—
that last phrase—вЂnothing less, nothing more.` That I cannot buy. Why volunteer
that particular aspect of the truthnow, today, at this juncture, in your relationship
with us? You were eager to do it. You couldn`t wait. I could feel your pressure to
get it out. Despite the obvious negative consequences pointed out by the group,
you were determined to jump in immediately today. Let`s try to figure out why.
What was the payoff for you?»
«That`s not hard,” responded Philip. «I know exactly why I said it.»
Silence. Everyone waited.
«I`m getting pissed,” said Tony. «Philip, you`ve got us hanging; you do this
all the time. Do we have to beg you for the next sentence?»
«Sorry?» asked Philip, his face in a puzzled scrunch.
«You`ve got us all waiting to hear why you said it,” said Bonnie. «Are you
being deliberately inscrutable here?»
«Perhaps you think we don`t want to know, that we have no curiosity about
what you`re going to say,” suggested Rebecca.
«It`s none of these,” said Philip. «It`s got nothing to do with you. It just
happens that my focus fades and I turn inward.»
«This sounds important,” said Julius. «I think there`s a reason for that—and
it involves your interactions with the group. If you truly believe that your
behavior is capricious, something like rain that just happens, then you`re
assuming a helpless stance. There is a reason you periodically avoid us and turn
inward: I think it`s because some anxiety has welled up in you. In this instance
your loss of focus had to do with how you opened the meeting. Can you pursue
that?»
Philip was silent, pondering Julius`s words.
Julius had his ways of ratcheting up the pressure when treating other
therapists: «Another thing, Philip, if you`re going to be seeing clients or leading a
group in the future, losing focus and turning inward is going to be a real liability
in your work.»
That did the trick. Philip immediately said, «I chose to reveal what I did for
self–protection. Pam knew everything about the list, and I was uncomfortable
about her being able to drop that bomb at any time. Revealing it myself was the
lesser of two evils.» Philip hesitated, inhaled, then continued: «There`s more to
say. I still haven`t addressed Bonnie`s accusation of bragging. I kept that list
because I had been extremely sexually active that year. My three–week
relationship with Pam`s friend Molly was unusual; I preferred one–night stands,
though I occasionally went back for seconds when I felt particularly sexually
pressured and couldn`t meet someone new. When I saw the same woman a second
time, I needed the notes to refresh my memory and make the woman feel I
remembered her. If she knew the truth—that she was just one of many—I might
not succeed. No braggadoccio whatsoever in these notes. They were meant for my
private use only. Molly had the key to my apartment, invaded my privacy, forced
open a locked desk drawer, and stole the list.»
«You telling us,” asked Tony, wide–eyed, «you had sex with so many
women you had to keep notes so you wouldn`t mix them up? I mean, what are we
talking about here? How many? How`d you pull this off?»
Julius groaned to himself. Things were complicated enough already without
Tony`s envy–laced question. The tension between Pam and Philip was already
unbearably high. It needed defusing, but Julius wasn`t sure how to do it.
Unexpected help arrived from Rebecca, who suddenly altered the entire course of
the meeting.
«I`m sorry to interrupt, but I need some time in the group today,” she said.
«I`ve been thinking all week about revealing something I`ve never told anyone,
not even you, Julius. This is, I think, my darkest secret.» Rebecca paused, looked
around the group. All eyes were on her. «This okay?»
Julius turned to Pam and Philip. «How about you two? Are we leaving you
with too many strong feelings?»
«Okay with me,” said Pam. «I need some time out.»
«And you, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«More than okay with me,” said Julius, «unless you want to mention first
about why you`ve decided to reveal this today.»
«No, it`s better for me to plunge in while I still have the courage. Here
goes: About fifteen years ago, about two weeks before my wedding, my company
sent me to the Las Vegas computer expo to do a presentation on their new
product. I had already handed in my resignation, and this presentation was to be
my last assignment—I was thinking then that perhaps it might be the last one in
my life. I was already two months pregnant, and Jack and I had planned a month–long honeymoon and then I was to turn to house and baby. This was long before
law school—I had no idea whether I`d ever work again.
«Well, I fell into in a strange mood in Vegas. One evening, to my surprise, I
found myself in the bar of Caesar`s Palace. I ordered a drink and soon fell into an
intimate conversation with a well–dressed man. He asked if I was a working girl. I
was unfamiliar with that phrase and nodded yes. Before I could say more about
my job he asked me my fee. I gulped, looked him over—he was cute—and said,
вЂOne hundred fifty dollars.` He nodded and up we went to his room. And then the
next night I moved to the Tropicana and did it again. Same fee. And my last night
there I did a freebie.»
Rebecca took a deep breath, exhaled loudly. «And that`s it. I`ve never told
anyone about this. Sometimes I`ve considered telling Jack but never did. What
would have been the point? Nothing but grief for him and precious little
absolution for me.... And...Tony, you bastard...goddammit, that`s not funny!»
Tony, who had taken his wallet out and was counting his money, stopped in
his tracks and, with a sheepish smile, said, «Just wanted to lighten things up.»
«I don`t want it to be made light of. This is heavy stuff for me.» Rebecca
flashed one of her remarkable smiles, which she could conjure up at will. «There
it is—true confessions.» She turned to Stuart, who on more than one occasion had
referred to her as a porcelain doll. «So, what doyou think? Maybe Rebecca`s not
the dainty doll she appears to be.»
Stuart said, «I wasn`t thinking that. You know where I went as you spoke? I
flashed on a movie I rented a few nights ago—The Green Mile.There was an
unforgettable scene of a condemned prisoner eating his last meal. Sounds to me
that in Las Vegas you treated yourself to one last piece of freedom before
marriage.»
Julius nodded and said, «I agree. Sounds much like something you and I
talked about a long time ago, Rebecca.» To the group Julius explained, «Several
years ago Rebecca and I worked together for about a year when she was wrestling
with the decision of getting married.» Turning back to Rebecca, he said, «I
remember we spent weeks talking about your fears of giving up your freedom,
your sense of your possibilities closing. Like Stuart, I think that those were the
concerns that got played out in Las Vegas.»
«One thing sticks out in my mind from those hours together, Julius. I
remember your telling me about a novel where someone seeks a wise man who
tells him thatalternatives exclude, that for everyyes there has to be ano.»
«Hey, I know that book—John Gardner`sGrendel ,” interrupted Pam. «It
was Grendel, the demon, who sought out the wise man.»
«Endless interconnections here,” said Julius. «Pam first introduced me to
that novel when I was seeing her for a few months about the same time. So,
Rebecca, if that comment was helpful, you owe thanks to Pam.»
Rebecca, flashed Pam a big thank–you smile. «You were giving me indirect
therapy. I pasted a note with that phrase on my mirror:Alternatives exclude. It
explained my block in saying yes to Jack even though I believed he was the right
man.» Then, to Julius: «I remember your saying that to grow old gracefully I had
to accept the limiting of possibilities.»
«Long before Gardner,” Philip interjected, «Heidegger,” he turned to Tony,
«an important German philosopher in the first half of last century...”
«An important Nazi, too,” Pam interjected.
Philip ignored Pam`s comment. «Heidegger spoke of confronting the
limiting of possibility. In fact he linked it to the fear of death. Death, he
suggested, was theimpossibility of further possibility. ”
«Death as theimpossibility of further possibility,” Julius repeated, «a
powerful thought. Maybe I`ll pastethat onmy mirror. Thanks, Philip. There`re so
many things to look at here, including your feelings, Pam, but first, one more
comment to you, Rebecca. This episode in Las Vegas must have happened while
you and I were meeting, and you never mentioned it to me. That tells me how
much shame you must have felt.»
Rebecca nodded. «Yep, I decided to deep–six the whole episode.» After
pausing and considering whether to say anything else, she added, «There`s more,
Julius. I was ashamed, but even more...this feels risky...I felt even more shame
when I fantasized about it afterward: it was a fantastic high—not a sexual high, no
that`s not right, notjust a sexual high, but the excitement of being outside the law,
of being primitive. And you know,” Rebecca turned toward Tony, «that`s always
been part of my attraction to you, Tony—your jail time, your bar fights, your
flaunting of the rules. But just now you went over the top; that stunt of pulling out
your money was offensive.»
Before Tony could reply, Stuart jumped in. «You`ve got a lot of guts,
Rebecca. I admire you. And you`ve liberated me to reveal something I`ve never
talked about—not with Julius or my previous shrink, not with anyone.» He
hesitated, looked in the eyes of each member. «Just checking out the safety factor
here. This is high–risk stuff. I feel safe with everyone here with the exception of
you, Philip, because I don`t know you well yet. I`m sure Julius has talked to you
about group confidentiality?»
Silence.
«Philip, your silence jams me up. I`m asking you something,” said Stuart,
who turned and faced Philip more directly. «What`s going on? Why don`t you
answer?»
Philip looked up. «I didn`t know an answer was required.»
«I said I was sure that Julius told you about confidentiality, and then I
raised my voice at the end of the sentence. That connotes a question—right? And
also, didn`t the context about trust signify that I needed an answer from you?»
«I understand,” said Philip. «Yes, Julius told me about confidentiality, and,
yes, I made a commitment to honor all the group basic ground rules, including
confidentiality.»
«Good,” said Stuart. «You know, Philip, I`m beginning to change my
mind—I used to think of you as arrogant, but now I`m beginning to think that
you`re just not house–broken or people–broken. And that does not require an
answer—it`s optional.»
«Hey, Stuart—good!» said Tony, smirking. «You`re showing up, man. I
like it.»
Stuart nodded. «I didn`t mean that negatively, Philip, but I`ve got a story to
tell and I need to make sure it`s entirely safe here. So,” he took a deep breath,
«let`s go. About thirteen or fourteen years ago—it was when I was just finishing
my residency and was about to enter practice—I went to a pediatrics convention
in Jamaica. The purpose of such conventions is to keep up with the latest in
medical research, but you know many physicians go for other reasons: to look for
a practice opportunity or an academic job...or just to have a good time and get
laid. I struck out on all counts, and then, to make things worse, my plane back to
Miami was late and I missed my connection to California. I had to spend the night
in the airport hotel and was in a miserable mood.»
There was rapt attention from the group members—this was a new side of
Stuart.
«I checked into the hotel around eleven–thirty at night, took the elevator up
to the seventh floor—funny how clear the details are—and was walking down a
long silent corridor to my room when suddenly a door opened and a distraught,
disheveled woman in a nightgown stepped out into the hallway—attractive, great
body, about ten or fifteen years older than me. She grabbed my arm—her breath
reeked of alcohol—and asked whether I had just seen anyone in the hall.
«вЂNo one, why?` I answered. Then she told me a long, rambling story about
a delivery man who had just swindled her out of six thousand dollars. I suggested
she call the front desk or the police, but she seemed strangely uninterested in
taking any action. Then she motioned me to come into her room. We talked, and I
tried to calm her about her belief—obviously a delusion—that she had been
robbed. One thing led to another, and we soon ended up in bed. I asked several
times whether she wanted me there, whether she wanted me to make love to her.
She did, and we did, and an hour or two later while she was sleeping I went to my
room, got a few hours` sleep, and caught an early morning flight. Just before I got
on the plane I made an anonymous phone call to the hotel telling them that they
had a guest in room seven–twelve who might need medical attention.»
After a few moments of silence, Stuart added, «That`s it.»
«That`sit? ” asked Tony. «A well–soused, good–looking broad invites you
into her hotel room, and you give her what she`s asking for? Man, no way I`d pass
that up.»
«No, that`s notit !» said Stuart. «Itis that I was a physician and someone
sick, someone probably with incipient or full–blown alcoholic hallucinosis,
crossed my path, and I end up screwing her. That`s a violation of the Hippocratic
oath, a grievous offense, and I`ve never forgiven myself for it. I can`t let go of
that evening—it`s seared into my mind.»
«You`re too hard on yourself, Stuart,” said Bonnie. «This woman`s lonely,
in her cups, steps out in the hallway, sees an attractive younger man, and invites
him into her bed. She got just what she wanted, maybe what she needed. Probably
you did her a world of good. She probably considers that a lucky night.»
Others—Gill, Rebecca, Pam—were poised to speak, but Stuart preempted
them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times
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