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them: «I appreciate what you guys are saying—I can`t tell you how many times
I`ve said similar things to myself—but I`m really, truly, not asking for
reassurance. What I wanted to do is just tell you about it, take this sordid act out
of so many years of darkness and into the light—that`s enough.»
Bonnie responded, «That`s good. It`s good you told us, Stuart, but this ties
in with something we`ve talked about before: your reluctance to accept help from
us. You`re terrific about giving help, not so good at letting us help you.»
«Maybe just doctor reflexes,” replied Stuart. «I had no med school courses
on being a patient.»
«Don`t you ever get to go off duty?» asked Tony. «I think you were off duty
that night in the Miami hotel. Midnight with a tipsy, horny broad—go for it, man,
get laid, enjoy yourself.»
Stuart shook his head. «A while ago I listened to a tape of the Dalai Lama
speaking to Buddhist teachers. One of them asked him about burnout and whether
they shouldn`t have some regularly scheduled off–duty time. The Dalai Lama`s
reply was priceless: Off duty? The Buddha says, вЂSorry, I`m off duty!` Jesus is
approached by a sufferer and replies, вЂSorry, I`m off duty today!` The Dalai Lama
giggles all the time, but he found this particular idea absolutely hilarious and
couldn`t stop laughing.»
«I`m not buying it,” said Tony. «I think you`re using your M.D. to avoid
life.»
«What I did in that hotel was wrong. No one will ever convince me
otherwise.»
Julius said, «Fourteen years ago and you can`t let it go. What about the
repercussions of this incident?»
«You mean besides self–excoriation and disgust?» said Stuart.
Julius nodded.
«I can tell you that I`ve been a damn good doctor, that I`ve never, not for an
instant, ever again violated the ethics of my profession.»
«Stuart, I decree that you`ve paid your debt,” said Julius. «Case closed.»
«Amen,” echoed several others.
Stuart smiled and crossed himself. «This takes me back to Sunday Mass
during my childhood. I feel like I`ve just come out of the confession booth
absolved.»
«Let me tell you a story,” said Julius. «Years ago in Shanghai I visited a
deserted cathedral. I`m an atheist, but I like visiting religious places—go figure.
Well, I walked around and then sat down in the confession booth, on the priest`s
side, and found myself envying the father confessor. What power he had! I tried
to mouth the words, вЂYou are forgiven, my son, my daughter.` I imagined the
supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the
cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own
techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out
of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of
reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»
After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?
Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.
Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you
always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,
nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»
Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had
offended some religious sensibilities here.»
«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls
that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I
left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s
come out about priests and pedophilia.»
«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in
common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s
ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and
dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they
had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»
Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes
remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of
risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»
«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed
here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows
from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,
Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,
hardwired into us.
«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited
them in lectures. Let me quote a few: вЂ[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all
motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every
hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human
minds.` вЂSex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the
investigations of the learned—`”
«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak
aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.
«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: вЂEvery day it
destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those
who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I
wanted to say; I`m finished.»
«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to
confront Philip.
Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow
sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural
acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating
ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»
After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s
pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.
What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when
I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough
place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»
«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m
sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»
«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me
without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»
«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and
hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the
Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»
Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica
Jong would call what you had a simple вЂzipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous
coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she
was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.
But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger
and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who
were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,
predatory, without remorse—”
Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to
stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the
person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that
something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»
«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from
Schopenhauer.»
«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for
you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.
At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin
should cast the first stone—that`s got a lot to do with what I revealed today.»
«We`ve got to stop,” said Julius, «but, Philip, this is exactly what I was
fishing for when I asked you about your feelings.»
Philip shook his head in puzzlement.
«Have you understood that today you were given a gift by both Rebecca
and Stuart?»
Philip continued to shake his head. «I don`t understand.»
«That`s your homework assignment, Philip. I want you to meditate on the
gifts you were given today.»
24
_________________________
Ifwe do not want to be a
plaything in the hands of
every rogue and the
object of every fool`s
ridicule, the first rule
is to be reserved and
inaccessible.
_________________________
Philip walked for hours after the meeting, past the Palace of Fine Arts, that
decaying colonnade built for the 1915 International Exposition, circled the
adjoining lake twice while watching the swans patrolling their territory, and then
strolled along the marina and Chrissy Field path by San Francisco Bay until he
reached the base of the Golden Gate Bridge. What was it Julius instructed him to
think about? He recalled the instruction to think about Stuart and Rebecca`s gift,
but before he could focus his mind he had already forgotten his assignment. Again
and again he swept his mind clear of all thought and tried to focus on soothing
and archetypal images—the wake of swans, the pirouetting of Pacific waves
under the Golden Gate—but he continued to feel oddly distracted.
He walked through the Presidio, the former military base located on the
overlook of the mouth of the bay, and down to Clement Street with its twenty
blocks of wall–to–wall Asian restaurants. He chose a modest Vietnamese pho
shop, and when his beef–and–tendon soup arrived, he sat quietly for a few
minutes, inhaling the lemongrass vapor rising from the broth and staring at the
glistening mountain of rice noodles. After only a few mouthfuls he requested the
rest be packaged for his dog.
Generally inattentive to food, Philip had routinized his eating habits:
breakfast of toast, marmalade, and coffee, a main meal at noon at the school
student cafeteria, and a small inexpensive evening repast of soup or salad. All
meals, by choice, were taken alone. He took solace, indeed sometimes broke into
a full smile, when he thought of Schopenhauer`s habit of paying for two at his
eating club to ensure that no one sat next to him.
He turned homeward to his one–bedroom cottage, as sparsely furnished as
his office, situated on the grounds of a grand house in Pacific Heights, not far
from Julius`s. The widow, who lived alone in the house, rented the cottage to him
for a modest sum. She needed the additional income, valued her privacy but
wanted an unobtrusive human presence nearby. Philip was the man for the job,
and they had lived in isolated proximity for several years.
The enthusiastic greeting of yelps, barks, tail wagging, and acrobatic leaps
into the air offered by Rugby, his dog, usually cheered Philip, but not on this
evening. Nor did his evening dog walk nor any of his other routine leisure
activities bring Philip tranquillity. He lit his pipe, listened to Beethoven`s Fourth
Symphony, read distractedly from Schopenhauer and Epictetus. His full attention
was caught once, for only a few moments, by one particular Epictetus passage.
If you have an earnest desire towards philosophy, prepare yourself from the
very first to have the multitude laugh and sneer. Remember, if you are
persistent, those very persons will afterwards admire you.... Remember if you
ever happen to turn your attentions to externals, for the pleasure of anyone, be
assured that you have ruined your scheme of life.
Yet his sense of uneasiness remained—an uneasiness that he had not
experienced in some time, a state of mind that in years past had sent him out like a
sexually crazed beast on the prowl. He strode into his tiny kitchen, cleaned his
breakfast dishes from the table, turned on his computer, and submitted to his only
addictive vice: he logged in to the Internet chess club and played five–minute blitz
games silently and anonymously for the next three hours. Mostly, he won. When
he lost it was usually through carelessness, but his irritation was short–lived:
immediately he typed in «seeking a game,” and his eyes lit up with childish
delight as a brand–new game commenced.
25
Porcupin
es,
Genius,
and
the
Misanthr
opist`s
Guide
to
Human
Relations
hips
_________________________
Bythe time I was thirty I
was heartily sick and
tired of having to regard
as my equals creatures
who were not really so at
all. As long as a cat is
young it plays with paper
pellets because it
regards these as alive
and as something similar
to itself. It has been
the same for me with
human bipeds.
_________________________
The porcupine fable, one of the best–known passages in all of Schopenhauer`s
work, conveys his frosty view of human relationships.
One cold winter`s day a number of porcupines huddled together quite closely
in order, through their mutual warmth, to prevent themselves from being
frozen. But they soon felt the effects of their quills on one another, which
made them again move apart. Now, when the need for warmth once again
brought them together, the drawback of the quills was repeated so they were
tossed between two evils, until they discovered the proper distance from
which they could best tolerate one another. Thus the needs for society, which
springs from the emptiness and monotony of men`s lives, drives them together
but their many unpleasant and repulsive qualities once more drive them apart.
In other words, tolerate closeness only when necessary for survival and
avoid it whenever possible. Most contemporary psychotherapists would
unhesitatingly recommend therapy for such extreme socially avoidant stances. In
fact the bulk of psychotherapy practice is addressed to such problematic
interpersonal stances—not only social avoidance but maladaptive social behavior
in all its many colors and hues: autism, social avoidance, social phobia, schizoid
personality, antisocial personality, narcissistic personality, inability to love, self–aggrandizement, self–effacement.
Would Schopenhauer agree? Did he consider his feelings toward other
people as maladaptive? Hardly. His attitudes were so close to his core, so deeply
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