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at least to this female,” said Rebecca. «But I don`t want to lose
focus. Philip, go on, you`re still not making your point.»
«First of all,” Philip continued without a hitch, «rather than
tsk–tsking about all this awful depraved male behavior,
Schopenhauer two centuries ago understood the underlying reality:
the sheer awesome power of the sex drive. It`s the most
fundamental force within us—the will to live, to reproduce—and it
can`t be stilled. It can`t be reasoned away. I`ve already spoken of
how he describes sex seeping into everything. Look at the Catholic
priest scandal, look at every station of human endeavor, every
profession, every culture, every age bracket. This point of view
was exquisitely important to me when I first encountered
Schopenhauer`s work: here was one of the greatest minds of
history, and, for the first time in my life, I felt completely
understood.»
«And?» asked Pam, who had been silent throughout this
discussion.
«And what?» said Philip, visibly nervous as always when
addressed by Pam.
«And what else? That was it? That did it? You got better
because Schopenhauer made you feel understood?»
Philip seemed to take no note of Pam`s irony and responded
in an even tone with a sincere manner. «There was a great deal
more. Schopenhauer made me aware that we are doomed to turn
endlessly on the wheel of will: we desire something, we acquire it,
we enjoy a brief moment of satiation, which rapidly fades into
boredom, which then, without fail, is followed by the next вЂI want.`
There is no exit by way of appeasing desire—one has to leap off
the wheel completely. That`s what Schopenhauer did, and that`s
what I`ve done.»
«Leaping off the wheel? And what does that mean?» Pam
asked.
«It means to escape from willing entirely. It means to fully
accept that our innermost nature is an unappeasable striving, that
this suffering is programmed into us from the beginning, and that
we are doomed by our very nature. It means that we must first
comprehend the essential nothingness of this world of illusion and
then set about finding a way to deny the will. We have to aim, as
all the great artists have, at dwelling in the pure world of platonic
ideas. Some do this through art, some through religious asceticism.
Schopenhauer did it by avoiding the world of desire, by
communion with the great minds of history, and by aesthetic
contemplation—he played the flute an hour or two every day. It
means that one must become observer as well as actor. One must
recognize the life force that exists in all of nature, that manifest
itself through each person`s individual existence, and that will
ultimately reclaim that force when the individual no longer exists
as a physical entity.
«I`ve followed his model closely—my primary relationships
are with great thinkers whom I read daily. I avoid cluttering my
mind with everydayness, and I have a daily contemplative practice
through chess or listening to music—unlike Schopenhauer, I have
no ability to play an instrument.»
Julius was fascinated by this dialogue. Was Philip unaware
of Pam`s rancor? Or frightened of her wrath? And what of Philip`s
solution to his addiction? At times Julius silently marveled at it;
more often he scoffed. And Philip`s comment that when he read
Schopenhauer he felt entirely understoodfor the first time felt like a
slap in the face.What am I, thought Julius,chopped liver? For three
years I worked my ass off trying to understand and empathize with
him. But Julius kept silent; Philip was gradually changing.
Sometimes it is best to store things and return to them at some
propitious time in the future.
A couple of weeks later the group raised these issues for him
during a meeting which began with Rebecca and Bonnie both
telling Pam that she had changed—for the worse—since Philip had
entered the group. All the sweet, loving, generous parts of her had
disappeared from sight, and, though her anger was not as vicious
as in her first confrontation with him, still, Bonnie said, it was
always present and had frozen into something hard and relentless.
«I`ve seen Philip change a great deal in the past few
months,” said Rebecca, «but you`re so stuck—just like you were
with John and Earl. Do you want to hold on to your rage forever?»
Others pointed out that Philip had been polite, that he had
responded fully to every one of Pam`s inquiries, even to those
laced with sarcasm.
«Be polite,” said Pam, «then you will be able to manipulate
others. Just like you can work wax only after you have warmed it.»
«What?» asked Stuart. Others members looked quizzical.
«I`m just quoting Philip`s mentor. That`s one of
Schopenhauer`s choice tidbits of advice—and that`s what I think
of Philip`s politeness. I never mentioned it here, but when I first
considered grad school I considered working on Schopenhauer.
But after several weeks of studying his work and his life, I grew to
despise the man so much I dropped the idea.»
«So, you identify Philip with Schopenhauer?» said Bonnie.
«Identify? Philipis Schopenhauer—twin–brained, the living
embodiment of that wretched man. I could tell you things about his
philosophy and life that would curdle your blood. And, yes, I do
believe Philip manipulates instead of relating—and I`ll tell you
this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others
with Schopenhauer`s life–hating doctrine.»
«Will you ever see Philip as he is now?» said Stuart. «He`s
not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident
between you distorts everything; you can`t get past it, and you
can`t forgive him.»
«That вЂincident`? You make it sound like a hangnail. It`s
more than an incident. As for forgiving, don`t you think some
things exist that are not forgivable?»
«Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are
unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged
with emotion. «Many years ago you and I made a short–term social
contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I
fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and
I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got
something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and
release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our
conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening
but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have
been clearer?»
«I`m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, «I`m talking
about charity—love,caritas, concern for others.»
«You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience
life the same way as you.»
«I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.»
«In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased
to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter
condemning me to every member of my department as well as to
the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite
my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent
student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not
one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of
support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was
never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years
have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third–rate schools.»
Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense,
responded, «So you must feel you`ve served your time and that
society exacted a heavy price.»
Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He
nodded. «Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.»
Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few
moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the
whole group: «Don`t you get that I`m not talking about a single
past criminal act. I`m talking about an ongoing way of being in the
world. Weren`t you all chilled just now when Philip described his
behavior in our act of love as his вЂobligations to our social
contract`? And what about his comments that, despite three years
with Julius, he felt understood for the вЂfirst time` only when he
read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after
three years Julius did not understand him?»
The group remained silent. After several moments Pam
turned to Philip. «You want to know the reason you felt understood
by Schopenhauer and not Julius? I`ll tell you why: because
Schopenhauer is dead, dead over one hundred and forty years, and
Julius is alive. And you don`t know how to relate to the living.»
Philip did not look as though he would respond, and
Rebecca rushed in, «Pam, you`re being vicious. What will it take to
appease you?»
«Philip`s not evil, Pam,” said Bonnie, «he`s broken. Can`t
you see that? Don`t you know the difference?»
Pam shook her head and said, «I can`t go any farther today.»
After a palpably uncomfortable silence Tony, who had been
uncharacteristically quiet, intervened. «Philip, I`m not pulling a
rescue here, but I`ve been wondering something. Have you had any
follow–up feelings to Julius`s telling us a few months ago about his
sexual stuff after his wife died?»
Philip seemed grateful for the diversion. «What
feelingsshould I have?»
«I don`t know about the вЂshould.` I`m just asking what
youdid feel. Here`s what I`m wondering: when you were first
seeing him in therapy, would you have felt Julius understood you
more if he revealed that he too had personal experience with sexual
pressure?»
Philip nodded. «That`s an interesting question. The answer
is, maybe, yes. It might have helped. I have no proof, but
Schopenhauer`s writings suggest that he had sexual feelings
similar to mine in intensity and relentlessness. I believe that`s why
I felt so understood by him.
«But there`s something I`ve omitted in talking about my
work with Julius, and I want to set the record straight. When I told
him that his therapy had failed to be of value to me in any way, he
confronted me with the same question raised in the group a little
while ago: why would I want such an unhelpful therapist for a
supervisor? His question helped me recall a couple of things from
our therapy that stuck with me and had, in fact, proved useful.»
«Like what?» asked Tony.
«When I described my typical routinized evening of sexual
seduction—flirtation, pickup, dinner, sexual consummation—and
asked him whether he was shocked or disgusted, he responded
only that it seemed like an exceptionally boring evening. That
response shocked me. It got me realizing how much I had
arbitrarily infused my repetitive patterns with excitement.»
«And the other thing that stuck with you?» asked Tony.
«Julius once asked what epitaph I might request for my
tombstone. When I didn`t come up with anything, he offered a
suggestion: вЂHe fucked a lot.` And then he added that the same
epitaph could serve for my dog as well.»
Some members whistled or smiled. Bonnie said, «That`s
mean, Julius.»
«No,” Philip said, «it wasn`t said in a mean way—he meant
to shock me, to wake me up. And itdid stick with me, and I think it
played a role in my decision to change my life. But I guess I
wanted to forget these incidents. Obviously, I don`t like
acknowledging that he`s been helpful.»
«Do you know why?» asked Tony.
«I`ve been thinking about it. Perhaps I feel competitive. If he
wins, I lose. Perhaps I don`t want to acknowledge that his
approach to counseling, so different from mine, works. Perhaps I
don`t want to get too close to him. Perhaps she,” Philip nodded
toward Pam, «is right: I can`t relate to a living person.»
«At least not easily,” said Julius. «But you`re getting closer.»
And so the group continued over the next several weeks: perfect
attendance, hard productive work, and, aside from repeated
anxious inquiries into Julius`s health and the ongoing tension
between Pam and Philip, the group felt trusting, intimate,
optimistic, even serene. No one was prepared for the bombshell
about to hit the group.
35
Self—Therapy
_________________________
When a man like
me is born
there remains
only one thing
to be desired
from without—
that throughout
the whole of
his life he can
as much as
possible be
himself and
live for his
intellectual
powers.
_________________________
More than anything else, the autobiographical «About Me» is a
dazzling compendium of self–therapy strategies that helped
Schopenhauer stay afloat psychologically. Though some strategies,
devised in anxiety storms at 3A.M. and rapidly discarded at dawn,
were fleeting and ineffective, others proved to be enduring
bulwarks of support. Of these, the most potent was his unswerving
lifelong belief in his genius.
Even in my youth I noticed in myself that, whereas others
strived for external possessions, I did not have to turn to such
things because I carried within me a treasure infinitely more
valuable than all external possessions; and the main thing was
to enhance the treasure for which mental development and
complete independence are the primary conditions.... Contrary
to nature and the rights of man, I had to withdraw my powers
from the advancement of my own well–being, in order to
devote them to the service of mankind. My intellect belonged
not to me but to the world.
The burden of his genius, he said, made him more anxious
and uneasy than he already was by virtue of his genetic makeup.
For one thing, the sensibility of geniuses causes them to suffer
more pain and anxiety. In fact, Schopenhauer persuades himself,
there is a direct relationship between anxiety and intelligence.
Hence, not only do geniuses have an obligation to use their gift for
mankind, but, because they are meant to devote themselves
entirely to the fulfilling of their mission, they were compelled to
forego the many satisfactions (family, friends, home, accumulation
of wealth) available to other humans.
Again and again he calmed himself by reciting mantras
based on the fact of his genius: «My life is heroic and not to be
measured by the standards of Philistines, shopkeepers or ordinary
men.... I must therefore not be depressed when I consider how I
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