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I couldn`t get your words out of my mind. And you know
what? I decided you were dead right and John was right to
turn away from me. I lost him not because ofhis deficits but
because of mine—he had had enough of me. A few days
ago I picked up the phone, called him, and said these things
to him.»
«How`d he take it?»
«Very well—after he picked himself off the floor.
We ended up having a nice amiable talk: catching up,
discussing our courses, mutual students, talking about
doing some joint teaching. It was good. He told me I
sounded different.»
«That`s great news, Pam,” said Julius. «Letting go of
anger is major progress. I agree you`ve too much
attachment to your hates. I wish we could take an internal
snapshot of this letting–go process for future reference—to
see exactly how you did it.»
«It was all nonvolitional. I think your maxim—strike
when the iron is cold!—had something to do with it. My
feelings about John have cooled enough to step back and
permit rational thought.»
«And what about» asked Rebecca, «your attachment
to your Philip–hatred?»
«I think you`ve never appreciated the monstrous
nature of his actions to me.»
«Not true. I felt for you...Iached for you when you
first described it—an awful, awful experience. But fifteen
years? Usually things cool in fifteen years. What keepsthis
iron red–hot?»
«Last night—during a very light sleep—I was
thinking about my history with Philip and had this image of
reaching into my head and grabbing the entire awful cluster
of thoughts about him and smashing it on the floor. Then I
saw myself bending over, examining the fragments. I could
see his face, his seedy apartment, my soiled youth, my
disillusionment with academic life, I saw my lost friend
Molly—and as I looked at this heap of wreckage I knew
what had happened to me was just...just...unforgivable.»
«I remember Philip saying that unforgiving and
unforgivable were two different things,” said Stuart.
«Right, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«Not sure I get that,” said Tony.
«Unforgivable,” said Philip, «keeps the responsibility
outside of oneself, whereas unforgiving places the
responsibility on one`s own refusal to forgive.»
Tony nodded. «The difference between taking the
responsibility for what you do or blaming it on someone
else?»
«Precisely,” said Philip, «and, as I`ve heard Julius
say, therapy begins when blame ends and responsibility
emerges.»
«Quoting Julius again, Philip, I like it,” said Tony.
«You make my words sound better than I do,” said
Julius. «And again I experience you drawing closer. I like
that.»
Philip smiled almost imperceptibly. When it was
clear he was not planning to respond further, Julius
addressed Pam: «Pam, what are you feeling?»
«To be honest, I`m floored by how hard everyone
struggles to see change in Philip. He picks his nose, and
everyone oohs and aahs. It`s a joke how his pompous and
trite remarks arouse such reverence.» Mimicking Philip,
she said in a singsong cadence, «Therapy begins when
blame ends and responsibility emerges.»Then, in a raised
voice: «And what aboutyour responsibility, Philip? Not a
goddamn word about it except some bullshit about all your
brain cells changing and therefore it wasn`t you who did
anything. No,you weren`t there.»
After an awkward silence, Rebecca said softly,
«Pam, I want to point out that youare able to forgive.
You`ve forgiven a lot of things. You said you forgave me
for my excursion into prostitution.»
«No victim there—except you,” responded Pam
quickly.
«And,” continued Rebecca, «we`ve all taken note of
how you forgave Julius, instantly, for his indiscretions. You
forgave him without knowing or inquiring whether some of
his friends were injured by his actions.»
Pam softened her voice. «His wife had just died. He
was in shock. Imagine losing someone you had loved since
high school. Give him a break.»
Bonnie pitched in, «You forgave Stuart for his sexual
adventure with a troubled lady and even forgave Gill for
withholding his alcoholism from us for so long. You`ve
done a lot of forgiving. Why not Philip?»
Pam shook her head. «It`s one thing to forgive
someone for an offense to someone else—quite another
thing when you`re the victim.»
The group listened sympathetically but nonetheless
continued. «And, Pam,” said Rebecca, «I forgive you for
trying to make John leave his two young children.»
«Me, too,” said Gill. «And I`ll eventually forgive you
for what you did with Tony here. How about you? Do you
forgive yourself for springing that вЂconfession day` and
dumping him in public?—that was humiliating.»
«I`ve apologized publicly for not consulting with him
about the confession. I was guilty there of extreme
thoughtlessness.»
Gill persisted, «There`s something else, though: do
you forgive yourself for using Tony?»
«Using Tony?» said Pam. «IusedTony ? What are you
talking about?»
«Seems like your whole relationship was one thing—
and a far more important thing—to him than to you. Seems
like you weren`t relating so much to Tony but to others,
perhaps even to Philip,through Tony.»
«Oh, Stuart`s cockamamie idea—I`ve never bought
into that,” said Pam.
«Used?» interjected Tony. «You think I was used?
No complaints here about that—I`m up for being used like
that any time.»
«Come on, Tony,” said Rebecca, «stop playing
games. Stop thinking with your little head.»
«Little head?»
«Your cock!»
When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile,
Rebecca barked, «You bastard, you knew what I meant!
You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony,
we don`t have much time left here. You can`t really be
saying you weren`t affected by what happened with Pam.»
Tony stopped smiling, «Well, being suddenly
dumped felt...you know, thrown away. But I`m still
hoping.»
«Tony,” said Rebecca, «you`ve still got a lot of work
to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it`s
demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any
goddamned way they want because there`s only one thing
you want from them: to get laid. That`s belittling
yourself—and them too.»
«I didn`t think I was using Tony,” said Pam.
«Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time
I didn`t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.»
«As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said
softly.
Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few
seconds and then gazed downward.
«I have a query for you,” said Philip.
When Pam did not look up, he added, «A query
foryou, Pam.»
Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members
exchanged glances.
«Twenty minutes ago you said вЂdisillusionmentwith
academic life.` And yet a few weeks ago you said that
when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered
philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so,
then I put this question to you:could I have been that
disastrous a teacher? ”
«Inever said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam.
«You were one of the best teachers I`ve ever had.»
Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.
«Talk about what you`re feeling, Philip,” urged
Julius.
When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, «You
remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she
matters a great deal to you.»
Philip remained silent.
Julius turned toward Pam. «I`m thinking about your
words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever
had. That must have compounded your sense of
disappointment and betrayal.»
«Amen. Thanks, Julius, you`re always there.»
Stuart repeated her words, «One of the best teachers
you ever had!I`m absolutely floored by that. I`m floored by
your saying something so...so generous, to Philip. That`s a
huge step.»
«Don`t make too much of it,” said Pam. «Julius hit
the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher
made what he did even more egregious.»
Tony, taking to heart Gill`s comments about his
relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by
addressing Pam directly. «This is...like awkward, but I
been holding something back. I want to say that I`m feeling
more bummed out about us than I`ve admitted. I haven`t
done anything wrong to you—you and I were...uh
together...mutual about the sex, and yet now I`m the
person non grata—”
«Personanon grata,” whispered Philip gently.
«Persona non grata.» Tony continued, «And I feel
I`m being punished. We`re not close anymore, and I guess I
miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers,
and now...it`s like...in limbo...nothing...you avoid me.
And Gill`s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating
as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid,
not being friends.»
«Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a
mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It`s
awkward for me, too.»
«So how about our going back to where we were
before?»
«Back to?»
«Just friends, that`s all. Just hanging out after the
group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy,
Philip, who`s coming around.» Tony reached over and gave
Philip`s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. «You know,
talking about the group, your telling me about books, all
that stuff.»
«That sounds adult,” answered Pam. «And...it would
be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean
tumultuous break.»
Bonnie volunteered, «I wonder, Pam, if you keep
your distance from Tony because you fear he will interpret
a friendly overture as a sexual invitation.»
«Yeah, exactly—there is that—that`s an important
part of it. Tony does get a bit single–minded.»
«Well,” said Gill, «there`s an obvious remedy: just
clear the air. Be straight with him. Ambiguity makes things
worse. Couple of weeks ago I heard you raise the
possibility that maybe the two of you can get together later
after the group ends—is that real or just a phony way of
softening the let–down? It just muddies the waters. Keeps
Tony hanging.»
«Yep, right on!» said Tony. «That statement a couple
weeks ago about our possibly continuing sometime in the
future was big for me. I`m trying to keep everything on an
even keel so I can keep that possibility open.»
«And,” said Julius, «in so doing, you forfeit the
opportunity of doing some work on yourself while this
group and I are still available to you.»
«You know, Tony,” said Rebecca, «getting laid is not
the most important thing, not theonly thing, in the world.»
«I know, I know, that`s why I`m bringing this up
today. Give me a break.»
After a short silence Julius said, «So, Tony, keep
working on this.»
Tony faced Pam. «Let`s do what Gill said—clear the
air—as adults. What do you want?»
«What I want is to go back to where we were before.
I want you to forgive me for embarrassing you by springing
the confession. You`re a dear man, Tony, and I care for
you. The other day I overheard my undergraduate students
using this new term,fuck–buddies —perhaps that`s what we
were and it was fun then but it`s a bad idea now or in the
future—the group takes precedence. Let`s concentrate on
working on our stuff.»
«Okay by me. I`m up for it.»
«So, Tony,” said Julius, «you`re liberated—you`re
now free to talk about all the thoughts you`ve been holding
back lately—about yourself, Pam, or the group.»
In the remaining meetings the liberated Tony returned to
his instrumental role in the group. He urged Pam to deal
with her feelings about Philip. When the potential
breakthrough following her praise of Philip as a teacher
never materialized, he pressed her to work harder on why
she kept her resentment of Philip red–hot yet could find
forgiveness for others in the group.
«I`ve already said,” Pam answered, «that obviously
it`s much easier to forgive others, like Rebecca, or Stuart,
or Gill, because I was not a personal victim of their offense.
My life wasn`t altered by what they did. But there`s more. I
can forgive others here because they`ve shown remorse
and, above all, because they`ve changed.
«I`ve changed. I do believe, now, it`s possible to
forgive the person but not the act. I think I might be
capable of forgiving a changed Philip.But he hasn`t
changed. You ask why I can forgive Julius—well, look at
him: he never stops giving. And, as I`m sure you`ve all
figured out, he`s been giving us a final gift of love: he`s
teaching us how to die. I knew the old Philip, and I can
attest he`s the same man you see sitting here. If anything,
he`s colder and more arrogant.»
After a short pause she added, «And an apology from
him wouldn`t hurt.»
«Philip, not changed?» said Tony. «I think you`re
seeing what you want to see. All those women he used to
chase—that`schanged.» Tony turned to Philip. «You
haven`t really spelled it out, but it`s different. Right?»
Philip nodded. «My life has been very different—I
have been with no woman in twelve years.»
«You don`t callthat change?» Tony asked Pam.
«Or reform?» said Gill.
Before Pam could respond, Philip interjected,
«Reform? No, that`s inaccurate. The idea ofreformation
played no role. Let me clarify: I have not changed my life,
or, as it`s been put here, my sex addiction, by virtue of
some moral resolution. I changed because my life was
agony—no longer bearable.»
«How did you take that final step? Was there a last–straw event?» asked Julius.
Philip hesitated as he considered whether to answer
Julius. Then he inhaled deeply and began, speaking
mechanically as though wound up with a key: «One night I
was driving home after a long orgy with an exceptionally
beautiful woman and thought that now, if ever in my life, I
had gotten all I wanted. I had had my surfeit. The aroma of
sexual juices in the car was overpowering. Everything
reeked of fetid flesh: the air, my hands, my hair, my
clothes, my breath. It was as though I had just bathed in a
tub of female musk. And then, on the horizon of my mind I
could spot it—desire was gathering strength, readying to
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